I woke up this morning crying from various nightmares that have plauged me in recent nights. In these nightmares I am content with my life and my status, but then those around me begin to leave and/or hurt me. I try to tell them what they are doing, try to tell them how it makes me feel, but for some reason they do not hear me, or maybe they just choose not to listen. In the end we are separated and I am alone. I have had this dream off and on for the past two weeks and they are becoming more intense. Dreams usually mean something.
When I was younger I had this dream that my pants would always fall down when I went to school (high-school) and everyone would laugh and point. This horrible dream plauged me until I took action. I eventually went to school and for some strange reason, when prompted, flashed my friends. Nothing bad happened as in my dreams and actually they stopped altogether. In case most of you have not noticed I consider myself a sensitive person. I am very empathetic towards other people and their problems. Hence that is why I get upset when others make fun of other people. It truly disturbs me, and I have actually ended many friendships and relationships for that very reason. People will usually call me emotional when we are arguing like it is something wrong, because we often equate emotions with the feminine. I think the world would be a better place if we all shared our emotions more. It is not that men do not have them, the majority would just rather keep them inside and let them eat away at their themselves until it explodes or they die and become bitter, selfloathing, hollow shells that attacks anything diferent from themselves.
Part of this reasoning is because while I would like to change the world, I also view individuals close to me as able and capable of making informed adult decisions. If I present information to a person and they choose to behave in a manner they know I disagree with (and not something like biting your nails, but something that causes me to lose sleep) I eventually decide to part ways. Why? you ask, since I believe it is my mission to make the world a better place should I not work harder on my friends? Maybe, but in my mind, friends and loved ones should support, nuture and encourage you, not make fun or mock you innermost feelings. What would you call someone that chooses to ignore what you find as intrinsic to your persona and soul? Would you choose to be friends with someone who would treat you in such a manner? I have seen many people end relationships over much less. I have noticed many people let their pride or what they consider is "right" accordning to their lives to cloud their judgement and skew their beliefs. Many others may know something is wrong but choose not to change because change is hard and also means is some way that what you were doing before was wrong. Most people do not like saying they were wrong, but that is part of friendship and life. Maybe that is why I have very few friends and short relationships. I guess that same could be said about me, but I try not to trample on other people with my beliefs.
It makes me smile a little bit when I first meet someone and am getting acquainted with them. I will bring up politics. They will usally say, "Oh, I am the most liberal person I know", or "my family is so liberal." I then make a comment asking them are they sure? because I often hear that statement, but still seem to be met with dissapointment. As I said before, do not try to be a liberal, try to be progressive.
1 week ago